my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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