I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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