She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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