i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
