Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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