I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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