Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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