Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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