i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
