My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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