its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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