New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
