Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
