At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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