I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
