Cold hands, warm shart.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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