Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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