Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
