god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
