I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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