This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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