Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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