its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
