I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
