You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
