Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
