You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
