My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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