@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
