we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
