Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The feeling are messing with the penis
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
MIDGETS
????
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
