i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
