Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
