If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
