you traded sex for a burrito?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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