Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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