Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
