i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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