I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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