Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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