when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
