Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
