I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
