i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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