I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
