i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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