btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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