It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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