I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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