I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
