My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
