AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
