she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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