I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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