Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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