Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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