id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
