you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
