apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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