turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
