Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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