The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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