The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
