He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
