i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They took my balls.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
