Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
