i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
